Of Bridges Burned and Small Hopes

So I was going to post a silly post about video games today, but there’s something else that I found I really needed to write about today. I recently made a mistake, and I unintentionally hurt a friend, and it kills me because it’s something that would have so easily been prevented if I had just listened to myself and written back. But I didn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to take the fifteen minutes out of my day to sit down and just write. It honestly never occurred to me that I could hurt someone so deeply by doing nothing. And yet here we are.

I’m the type of person who doesn’t ever like to see someone hurting (although, to be fair, that really is most people), and if I see someone hurting, I immediately want to fix it. I want to run to that person’s side and bundle them in a thousand blankets, make them tea, and hold them close while murmuring that it’s all going to be okay. That “the sun will come out tomorrow” and life will get better. But I can’t do that in this instance because they live far too far away, and I’m the one that caused the hurt. And it kills me. I’ve spent the last week and a half meticulously picking my words and attempting to compose a message to them in a way that gets across exactly how I feel to them, but words fall short sometimes. But in the end, I have written back, and I have to accept that that’s all that I can do at this moment. That sometimes, the final outcome isn’t my decision, and that whether or not they accept my apology and give me another chance, both our lives will go on.

You see, what I’m slowly learning is that I can’t be there for everyone (though God knows that won’t stop me from trying). Both my heart and mind are starting to understand that you can’t always fix every problem, and that sometimes a bridge has been burned too badly to ever be repaired, and sometimes you may just be the person who dropped the match. People come into our lives on a constant basis. Some of those people stay forever, and your interactions will be up and down and will help the both of you grow in ways you never knew you needed to grow. But a lot of people will come into our lives, only to end up leaving after a while. Yet, just because they aren’t around for as long doesn’t make their impact any less. Sometimes a person will enter your life for a period of time, and completely change the way that you think or help you to see objects in a new light and it will be wonderful and amazing, and then suddenly they’ll be gone. And while you want to chase after them and stay by their side forever, sometimes it just isn’t possible, and you have to move on. And it will hurt, oh my god will it hurt, but you have to let them go, and realize that just because they’re gone, that doesn’t mean that they made any less of an impact on your life. They’ve changed your life in some way, however small that change may end up being, it’s still change. And you have to trust that the change you’ve made in their life has been for the better, and that they’ll be just fine without you. Ultimately, all you can do is wish them the best, let them go, and learn that the world will keep spinning.

I realize how vague and messy this entry has been, but I’ve been crying the entire time I was writing, and I can’t give any details on what happened because it would mean giving information on a friend that I don’t feel I should share.

Partners in Crime

Everybody tells you a lot of things when they send you off from your high school graduation. They tell you that your future has just begun. That your life truly begins then. They give you loads of advice about managing your money, and balancing your time between studying and working. You're told to socialize and make as many connections as possible. You're warned to stay away from 'those' boys and girls who might lead you astray, and strictly told not to party (too hard). So much advice is thrown at you from every direction that you're not really sure what to do with all of it. Most of it is ignored, and some of it is taken into account and followed to a T.

But three years into to college, and there's only one piece of advice that I have to give to anyone. Find that person/people who deeply care about you.

I'm not talking in a romantic sense (although, if you've found someone, then congrats. ). I'm talking about that friend that is always there for you, and that you can tell anything. Find them, and hold them close, because they are what will get you through everything that is to come. Because life is great, but it can also be daunting at times, and you're going to want someone to have your back when the world feels like it's turning on you.

But this partner in crime may not end up being the person that you currently think it will be. Friendships change over distances, and that means that you will find that certain friends just don't make an attempt to contact you anymore, and you'll get tired of being the one to reach out to them. And that's okay, it just means that you've changed. There will be other friends though. The ones who still contact you every day or every other day just to see how you're doing, even though you just talked the day before. Those are the ones worth keeping. Hold tight to those ones. And if you find that none of your high school friends are like that, then that's okay. You'll find someone, it just might take a little bit of work. But it's worth it, I promise.

I got super lucky. I graduated high school in high hopes that all I and all of the band members would stay great friends, and that I'd have my crazy hallway clan as well. August of my college freshman year came, and I hadn't talked to half of those people. The months continued, and I lost contact with almost all of those people. While that may sound sad, I don't look back on it as being a bad thing at all. Instead, I found two of the people that I care about more than anything in the world. Those two somehow deemed that I was worth staying in contact with, and I genuinely looked forward everyday to talking with them. I tell them everything. My hopes, my fears, my lack of self-esteem, and my most embarrassing moments (one day, I may share the tale of the 'taco hand' incident." They've gotten me through bouts of depression, those all nighters I pull to finish papers, hangovers, drama, and big life decisions. We talk about everything from our fears of what the future might bring, to freaking out over Gilmore Girls, to which famous women we "wouldn't kick out of bed." They put up with my "geek-outs" over the Batfamily, and encourage me to continue doing what I love. And I could never thank them enough for that. Words cannot describe how much they mean to me, and I honestly couldn't have made it this far without them.

So find that person/those people. You're going to need them. They'll be your comfort when the world comes crashing down. And they'll be the ones who will set you straight when you've lost your way. So that's my advice. Find your Partner in Crime. Find that person who, if you said you were heading out that day to break into an abandoned amusement park, would look at you and say "cool! When are we leaving?"

Puzzle Pieces

The other night I was putting together a stubborn puzzle. I was becoming extraordinarily frustrated because none of the pieces would fit together. Finally, a tall glass of root beer and a full Billy Joel CD later, a piece was successfully reunited with its neighboring pieces. As I connected it to the puzzle, I had a thought. People are a lot like puzzle pieces. We search and search for years to find our place in the world. Some of us find our place in the first try, and others fail time and again before they finally find their place. But the result is always the same. We find our place and realize “of course this is it. It couldn’t have been anywhere else.”

And I was content with this notion for a while.

But then I had another epiphany. We’re not at all like puzzle pieces. People don’t have a set destination, and we don’t always stay in the same place forever. We change our minds and move on. We’re restless and fickle creatures with ever changing desires. We’re far too erratic to ever stay in our assigned spots. Some of us fall prey to intense wanderlust and never come back to the start. Others circle and weave their way to and from the start, staying for random periods of time before leaving again. We’re simply unpredictable.

So no, people are not like puzzle pieces. I’m not sure that there is a metaphor, simile, or allegory that fits the human race. We’re vastly different from anything that’s ever lived or been made. We’re people with individual dreams, quirks, and personalities. We make horrible decisions, fall, and pick ourselves back up again, but we make progress in finding ourselves each time. And who knows if that place you’re heading will be your first or last stop on your trip. Just make sure you enjoy every moment of it and don’t ever stop yourself from trying something new or traveling somewhere because you think you’ve found your ‘place.’ Your place is where you decide you want to rest for a while or however long you like. The original picture on that puzzle may have been beautiful, but the pieces have a mind of their own and refuse to take part, and there’s a sort of beauty in that kind of revolution.

HEY YOU!

Right, so this is where I tell you about how I have a plan for this blog, and that it's going to be full of inspiration and DIY projects and life lessons that will help you through your day to day schedules and bring a smile to your faces. There's only one, teensy problem.

I have no plan.

I have no idea what direction this blog will be going, but it WILL be going somewhere. And what an adventure it shall be! But the journey doesn't start until you set foot outside your doors, so here I am, taking small, but forward moving step outside my door. The road may go ever on and on, but I have yet to learn which road I shall be taking. I guess I shall just take whichever road seems right at the time.

I CAN tell you that I'm a giant geek, so there will be lots of geekery involved. Whether it be comics or movies or television or books or video games or simply me spouting out facts about life, something will happen. I'm just not sure what yet. I've just decided that I shall learn as I go.